Dear Dad

Let me preface: This has very little to do with the act of running itself, but running has been one of my greatest teachers. In way we run to discover our limits, and in doing so we gain awareness. This was one of those moments of awakening, so I wanted to share.

I wrote this to my dad about 6 years ago when I moved to Colorado for a few months to clear my head. There are probably many gramatical mistakes, but it was a letter written from my heart not to win the Pulitzer Prize.


Dear Dad,

I have given myself a moment to breath a much needed breath, and I picked up a book at the used book store for $2.16. It has been the best spent money since I have been in Boulder. Within 15 minutes of reading, the book has brought me to tears, to laughter, and to thoughtful contemplation. It is amazing what other's talents can bring out in yourself. Was it not Einstein who said something like imagination is more important than knowledge? It brings me such joy and enlightenment. I wanted to share with you a quote from the book that pulled at my heartstrings:

"Intention is not groggy in the morning. The day is met with a particular enthusiasm. The possibilities of the day are partners - not adversaries. Intentional living recognizes that, while accidents happen, life is not an accident. Days are built choice by choice. Intention savors moments of peaceful contemplation equally with production initiative. Intention knows each moment of the day as a precious investment."   -Mary Anne Radmacher


While this does not have much to do with the quote, I was thinking about how most of my conscious life I have told myself I was uncreative. The misconception born from the idea that creativity lies in artistic talent. I am beginning to understand that creativity has much less to do with artistic talent. I am not sure Einstein could paint a pretty picture, but I do know that he is one of the most creative men to ever live.

Creativity lies in the life I am creating. So far, I have fought this creativity wanting someone to tell me how to put the next line on the page. At the same time, I have fought that need for someone to tell me the color of my life as well. It is like I know of this creating beast that lies in my belly, but I put a burlap bag over its head so it just thrashes around causing mayhem in a seemingly unchaotic life.

I think everyone is creative in some way. All too often we try to fit into a cookie cutter, myself included. Some are very good at this, but I do not know their heart. I do know my own heart, and I am very upfront with my emotions on fitting into this cookie cutter. You see, I just don't fit. I am beginning to realize that the beauty of life lies in its characteristics, like water flows from us and into us and around us. Have you ever tried to fit water into a cookie cutter. The only way would be if you could freeze it. I don't know about you, but I would rather not be frozen.

Life is what is shared between people. You once asked me if I thought a life was worth living without others to share it. I would have to answer that with a big fat no way. Life flows between people. That is why being around creative people (who are positive) sparks life within yourself. That is why you feel drained when listening to those who are full of negativity. It is not a wonder that so many people throughout history have used water analogies with life and love and relationships and beauty and persistence. Funny how I distinguish life and love when really the two things are one in the same.

Why does one ever look at life negatively? Maybe it is an ingrained habit or agreement we have made. Maybe there is some need to cling to things that are negative. Maybe there is always a slight feeling of inadequacy that we focus on that breeds contempt. The truth is that we really can enjoy even the seemingly unlikable even detestable parts of our day if we live them with intention. I am not quite sure how this is supposed to work in practice because I never seem to be able to employ this insight at those times, but something deep down (maybe my beast roaring) tells me that these moments too are steps on a journey. I would like to say that creatively pursuing life will impart our best effort or maybe our best effort will allow us to creatively pursue our life. Surely not by anyone else's standard, which is the beauty of it.

It is YOUR life! I can create my life. Just like a potter creates his pots. Chemistry doesn't make my life nor does Coach Clark or you or mom or my future husband (who I had not met at the time) or my job or my kids or my GPA or running or a book. It is very liberating to know that I am bound to no one. It makes those relationships that much deeper, knowing that I don't owe anyone anything but love and kindness. That is where true love lies. When two people can share each others life with no expectation need or want, but a true respect and appreciation for that person's life and the freedom to share your own life without feelings of give and take. I think you and I are beginning to really have that. You have of course always been on that end, but I am just beginning to understand what love really looks and feels like. Although I could probably write a short novel, I am going to call it a night. There are many more days to share in the beauty of life. I love you. I feel like I can say that with a little more conviction everyday.

With love,
Beaner

I am very lucky to have two loving parents who have been my greatest support system.